Conflict and Autism

I have found myself in a few situations where I am in an academic setting, I share a personal story or opinion, and suddenly someone is mad at me and presents this anger publicly to a large group. Whether it was a seminar or a group discussion, I found myself feeling confused and embarrassed because I didn't, and still do not, understand why I was being shamed publicly. My most recent experience with this phenomenon made me think about autism and conflict, so I wanted to share how I try to deal with conflict. This advice comes from my experiences as an autistic certified mediator.

1: I try to use I statements.

When I feel upset, I try to use I statements. I do this because it is easier for me to listen to someone else's experiences and feelings than to hear someone frame an event as an attack. When I hear statements phrased as " I felt (blank) when (blank) occurred, I am more receptive to that conversation.

2: I try to use a feeling wheel

I use a feeling wheel when appropriate to choose feelings. A feeling wheel helps me in conflict because I can pause and choose from multiple options to describe what I am experiencing. An example of this would be: When I was called out in class, I felt embarrassed, confused, and hurt. Feeling wheels can be found online by googling feeling wheels. I have a printed-out and laminated feeling wheel I made with my partner for a nonprofit organization I use in conflict.

3: I try to be direct

I don't understand what is being asked of me without clear communication, so I try to do the same. If I am upset because someone took the last cookie from the cookie jar, instead of saying, "We should all leave the last of the food for others," I try to say, "I am frustrated that my cookies are gone." When I say exactly why I am upset, I am able to have a more direct conversation because everyone understands the scope of the conflict. On the flipside, if I hear that we should leave food for others, I might not know that it is about the missing cookies. It helps me to have a clear scope of the conflict discussion.

4: I try to be honest

Sometimes I am not in a space to address a conflict. Lately, I am trying to pay more attention when I feel burned out, overstimulated, or otherwise not in a place to deal with a conflict. The caveat is that I then reschedule a time to discuss the event if necessary. I might need to talk to a family member about missing cookies, but maybe I can have a more firm boundary about conflict with someone I don't feel comfortable with. I struggle with finding boundaries with conflict because I do not want to ignore conflict, but I also am trying to manage my stress levels and do not want to create unnecessary tension.

5: I admit when I need help

If there is ever a source of conflict that feels large, I want to encourage mediation as a helpful tool. Mediation gives both people in conflict a safe space to talk about feelings and come up with resolutions that does not have to be limited to court cases. Mediation can be used for conflicts between families, landlords and tenants, disputes in the workplace, and more. However, this can also involve talking to HR, a professor or teacher, a parent, or another support person if necessary. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. For example, with my earlier example of my classroom conflict, I am purposefully removing myself from the situation and asking for help from my professor so that I can address my conflict in a kind and respectful way.

Conflict can be hard to manage. For me, it is harder to understand the conflict when I do not have a clear understanding of what I did and how it impacted the person bringing up the conflict. I hope that by providing this list, I can share how I try to address conflict in my life, and share how autism impacts how I deal with conflict.

Thank you for reading about my experiences with conflict and autism. If you have any questions or comments, please comment on the blog, reach out at @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook, or email me at Anniekrollblog@gmail.com. I hope to see you next week!